Everything you've ever wanted to know about rimming, eating ass

Johnny Cash eats cake and you should too!

Rimming, tossing salad, cake buffet, eating ass: Whatever you call analingus is at the same time mysterious for some and wholly pedestrian for others. Since I’m the patron saint of conservative kinksters and slutty prudes alike, I thought I’d take some time to give you a quick overview of everything analingus.

Why do people eat ass?

Because it feels good, son! For me, it’s relaxing as hell. For others, it can be a roller coaster of moans, groans and breathless bedsheet grasping. For the person performing the act, there’s nothing quite like shoving your face between a nice pair of glutes. If I had to die from suffocation, enjoying the taste and aroma of fresh ass is definitely Top 3. Drowning in wine is obviously No. 1.

But like, it’s dirty, right?

I mean, it’s an ass; it does what it does and yes, sometimes it will get dirty. Yet, like every other part of your body that gets dirty, a shower is really all you need to make your anus mouth (and nose) ready.

Follow the basic rules for anal sex cleanliness:

1.       Get some fiber in your diet.

2.       Take a poop until you feel empty. None of that half-assed defecation.

3.       Take some soap and water to your ass via a shower. Lather up your index finger and use it to clean inside a bit. Rinse thoroughly; soap tastes like misery and sadness.

4.       If you’re still worried, use a water enema until the water comes out clear.

5.       Have fun and relax. Stress can make you nauseous, which can cause things to get moving.

What will it feel like?

That kind of depends on how much your body likes anal sex. I like prostate play but not intercourse. So, for me, it simply feels like a gentle massage. My guy is a big-time anal fan and said it was life-affirmingly pleasurable. Your mileage may vary, but I asked a few people and no one had negative things to say about having their salad tossed.

Ok, but how do you do it?

If you’ve never rimmed someone before, you can treat it a lot like licking a nipple: a little licking, sucking, kissing and biting.

Before you start, try nibbling and kissing on the cheeks; jiggle them a little bit and survey your upcoming meal. Watch how it puckers, eagerly awaiting your tongue. Make your way slowly towards the bull’s eye, nibbling more gently as you get closer.

Graze your tongue around the anus, flicking periodically. When you finally get to the anus, vary between flicking quickly and licking slowly with the tip and flat parts of your tongue. Periodically, suck around the anus gently.

Feel free to stick your tongue or fingers into the anus. Don’t go too far, though — while it’s clean outside, the inside has a bunch of bacteria that’s super healthy for your anus but super bad for every place else.

If you’ve never been rimmed, all you have to do is make sure you’re clean, pay attention for any bodily signs that something needs to be evacuated and say thank you to your partner when you’re all done.

What if some shit happens?

Then shit would have happened and you have to deal with that. As long as you two are in communication, there shouldn’t be any problems.

If you’re the one being rimmed, this is mainly your responsibility. If you feel like you need to fart or make a trip to the bathroom, you need to speak up, handle it and refresh. If this happens to you frequently, you might want to try a dose of Pepto or some other anti-diarrhea medicine to quiet the rumbles.

What if I don’t want to kiss after?

I mean, I don’t know why you wouldn’t. A face that’s been buried in clean ass is clean enough to kiss. Plus, if you’re totally grossed out and still do it, you’re making an awesome, loving and whorish sacrifice for your partner. That’s a good thing.