Flirting, porn and other things that shouldn't be considered cheating

There are myriad ways to express one’s sexuality and many don’t require sex at all. It’s unfortunate, though, that many of those expressions are vilified as cheating in many relationships. Just because these activities are sexual and intimate doesn’t mean it’s a threat to your relationship. In fact, some are actually pretty good for your sex life and the longevity of the relationship.

Porn

Porn has a long history of causing overly hysterical panic at a mere mention. For a lot of people, it’s to wanton sexuality and therefore – according to our Puritan logic – we must kill it with fire. Burn, witch!

The truth of porn is like the truth of anything else that people irrationally hate, not nearly as bad as the hysteria claims. If used like it’s supposed to be used – the way most people use it – porn is a great addition to one’s sex life.

Porn shouldn’t replace sexual activity with a partner but that doesn’t mean someone can’t enjoy it on their own. Just because a person is a relationship doesn’t mean their desire for solo visual stimulation goes away and no one should feel bad for wanting to satisfy it.

I use porn for masturbation but it also to helps keep me tuned in during sex. I have attention problems and am extremely empathetic. Together, that can make for a rather distracted sexual experience.  Porn provides the right kind and amount of stimulation to help me stay in the moment.

Even if you don’t have the issues I do, porn can just be a great way to turn yourself on or look for new ideas. Sharing the type of porn you like with your partner is a great way to tune into each other.

Live webcams

Live webcams are vilified as an even more insidious relative to porn. Again, it’s not even that serious. The only difference between porn and live sex cams is that you can sometimes request that people do specific things. I wonder how that’s any different from buying a video because it features only anal scenes.

Masturbation

There’s a tendency for people in monogamous relationships to feel responsible for or ownership over every sexual experience their partner has. Both assumptions are completely wrong and I can’t imagine why anyone would want it to be true. Being completely responsible for someone else’s sexual satisfaction is a lot of work and ain’t nobody got time for that.

No one should put that much unnecessary pressure on themselves. No one should have control over someone’s ability to self-pleasure, unless they happily give it away like the good little sub they are. Outside of a D/s situation, it’s no one’s place to tell someone what they can and can’t do to their body. There’s no ring or commitment that will ever make that true.

Flirting

For the most part, flirting is looked at as a precursor to or sign of desire for sex. While it’s true that sex almost always follows some sort of flirting, it’s not true that all flirting leads to sex. The vast majority of the time flirting is just flirting.

At its most basic flirting is just a self-affirming social activity. Its entire purpose is to let people know that you find them worthwhile. It’s essentially the opposite of rejection. Whereas rejection feels like a fiery sword through your self-esteem, flirting feels like being dipped in a warm slurry of non-ironic compliments.

Even if there’s no real sexual intention, flirting just feels good. An unexpected flirting session is a huge confidence boost that will sometimes have you smiling for an entire day. I know I like to feel that way and I hope that my partners get to feel that same way all the time. Sure, it’s important to flirt with our partners but, sometimes, it’s just nice to know that you haven’t lost it.

Friendship with exes

I completely understand why see your partner hangout with their exes make some people freak out. It seems like a clear and imminent threat. No matter what it looks like, a partner with friendly exes is actually a really good thing.

People who are able to remain friendly with their exes are people who have their heads on straight. If you’re in a relationship, you need to be friends. Ending the romantic or sexual part of a relationship doesn’t mean that friendship needs to end. Relationships change and evolve; it’s the nature of life. Understanding that suggests that you're mature enough for an adult relationship.

People who you’ve had sex or intimate moments with know you in a way few people do. You don’t have to pretend around them because they have seen you at your most vulnerable. For goodness sake, they’ve seen your orgasm face. If they still want to know you after that, they’re definitely a keeper.