My whole life I thought I knew where the clitoris was located but, as it turns out, it took me 20 years and my mother’s intervention to truly find it. At some point in high school, I gave up looking. I figured, if I haven’t found it yet then I never will; it almost certainly has to be a myth. I resigned myself to the thought that, while it felt good to be penetrated, maybe sex and masturbation just wasn’t as fun for me as it is for everyone else.
Confusion and apprehension were my only feelings about sex early on in life. I used to touch myself but I didn’t really know how. I thought you were just supposed to stick any phallic object inside of you and then immediately start screaming with pleasure. It never worked and I usually felt “dirty” but it also enticed me.
Around age eleven, I remember lying on my stomach and slowly moving my pelvis back and forth. I remember feeling this immense comfort all over my body, flowing in waves from my vagina. I realize now I was humping my bed. Looking over at my older sister, who was unhappy about sharing a room with her somewhat peculiar younger sister, I recall exclaiming to her, “hey, it feels really good when I do this.”
I wish she would have told me that I’d discovered the clit right then. All my years of searching and unrequited longing wouldn’t have been necessary if I had a sister who knew her body. I wish she’d told me, “yeah, it does feel good and if you use a vibrator it feels fucking fantastic.” But she didn’t and she wasn’t. Instead, she told me to stop doing that and go to bed. It took years before I’d learn that vibrators did, in fact, feel fucking fantastic.
Believe it or not, I was gifted my very first vibe by my mother on my 20th birthday. You see, I was mortified by the idea that I had never truly felt an orgasm. Every time I was with someone, I would anticipate the mysterious release of ultimate pleasure that I thought I was supposed to feel; when I didn’t, I felt totally inadequate. One day, I rather tearfully confided in my mom that I thought I would never have an orgasm. She looked upon my despair with sympathy and provided me with the necessary tools.
The first time I used the vibrator, I couldn’t get into it. Yeah, it felt really good but my mind was racing. What do I think about? Images of penetration, repetitive thrusts, passionate eyes and eruptions of pleasure flickered in my mind all at once. I tried to think of someone I loved but that just made me feel pathetic for being by myself. So, I looked up some porn and it finally clicked.
Having the visual of two people intertwined in the plateau of desire turned me on so much and the vibrator worked so well, that I came. I finally came. It was glorious but over so, so quickly; I immediately wanted more, I was hooked.
I would come home from class every single day and masturbate. The feeling was so amazing and so easy to achieve by myself that I felt free to explore my own body. The elusive clitoris that I thought didn’t exist, quickly became my best friend. My body would quiver with delight once that vibrator touched those hundreds of thousands of nerve endings located in that small knob. My life felt like it had finally opened up to the possibility of all sorts of different kinds of pleasure.
After that, I felt more confident, more relaxed, and more driven in my sexual adventures. I knew what I liked and didn’t, and I knew how to get myself off. It was amazing – it completely transformed my self-esteem. I didn’t need anyone to deliver my pleasure, I could do it with my very own hands. Although it is possible to do it manually; my recommendation to frustrated women: try a vibrator, or whatever interests you. Just relax and keep trying, you will not regret it.
I know I’m not the only woman who has struggled with this and that really bothers me. I worry about a world of sexually repressed women who solely depend on someone else to have an orgasm because they don’t understand their own pleasure. Ladies, fear not. Every woman, should be able to go into her room and get herself off in at least a minute (once you get the technique down, you can acquire some definite skill).
