What to do when someone throws up in your lap

No matter how much we try to act like civilized creatures who are above all non-purposeful behavior, the truth is that just like a dog who ate too much and is now barfing all over your living room floor, sometimes things come up — but it’s how you deal with it that counts.

Like how I dealt with my boyfriend, submissive and human pup throwing up in my lap when he took just a little too much of my dick down his throat last night: “That’s gross, please go get a towel.”

Only once have I thrown up while giving a blow job, yet I think last night makes four times in a year my partner has managed to throw up all over my erect cock and lap. Although I’ve probably now been thrown up on during sex more than your average person, it never gets easier.

I’m not super squeamish when it comes to biological grossness. In fact, I’ve always looked at blood, dead bodies, autopsies, live birth and biology class dissections with a curiosity like most other sadistic people. Even still, when I was sitting there with all the merlot, fried chicken, banana, mucus and stomach acid from my guy’s stomach in my lap, I would’ve done almost anything to make the grossness end.

Looking at gross stuff is cool, but having it on my person is just one step too far for me. But as long as I don’t decide to just go ahead and end it all, I know that once I’ve showered intensely, everything will be fine.

While I really, really, REALLY don’t like having blood, semen, mucus, fecal matter or even sweat on me, I know that they are just bodily fluids and, even though it feels like it, they won’t kill me. Because I can be over dramatic, sometimes I wish they would. So I definitely understand if even the idea of it is enough to make you gag, but it kind of comes with the territory.

When it comes to anal sex, I always tell people, “Shit happens.” I mean, the intestines make poop, that’s just what they do. So you can’t be too surprised if one day you find poop in there. That’s kind of like being surprised a tree is constantly expelling oxygen.

Oh my god, I can’t believe a thing made for something is doing the thing it’s made for, even when I asked it nicely not to.

Much like the anus, the stomach produces stuff. The gag reflex can make what the stomach produces, along with everything else we put in there, come back out. So if you’re sticking your cock down someone’s throat, you can’t be too mad if, at some point, the gag reflex does its job.

If this ever happens to you, there’s no reason to start shouting (I originally wrote sharting, oops) or acting like an asshole. The person who’s just thrown up on your lap is also the person who was kind enough to shove your penis in their mouth and down their throat.

As a person who’s sucked a ton of dick in my life, I can attest to that being a lot more work than it looks. Not only are you being deprived of air but you’re also having to control your body’s reflexes while the person you’re sucking quivers and squirms with pleasure. You should show your appreciation by not behaving like the BJ giver has just greenlighted another M. Night Shyamalan movie. It’s not that bad.

Sure, your erection may be evaporating, but after a thorough cleaning you can get back into the fun. So, if you ever happen to have someone thrown up in your lap, just ask for a towel, clean up and move on.

Considering how guilty they probably feel, they might end up giving you an even better blow job. It’s still not a good thing, but, like, you still get to get off — and that’s what really matters.